By Enzo on March 12th, 2010
This is the true story of my first-ever college dorm roommate during my unsuccessful and short-lived stay at an art school in San Francisco. I documented the account almost immediately after it happened and felt an inexplicable need to update the narration. Warning: Strong language and graphic allegories alluding to poop.
I still remember the day 17-year-old me walked into the dorm room that would be my home for the next six months. I was secretly hoping, as everyone else did, that my first college roommate would be cool. Maybe we’d hit it off from the get-go; maybe it would turn out that we listened to the same music, or were both ecstatic at the thought of skateboarding through the treacherous slopes of downtown San Francisco; or maybe we shared the same ambition of rising through the writhing, hormone-fueled ranks of the freshman student body to become gods among college kids. Where the tales of our deeds — the countless, glorious victories on the tables of beer pong, or the passionate lamentation of the women who would grace our bunk-bedsides each night, or the way we totally didn’t study for the final for that one class we didn’t go to the entire year but still ended up passing anyway — were the stuff of legends.
Maybe — just maybe — he would be cool.
He turned out to be this big pimply fat kid with one arm who never showered, brushed his teeth, or went to class. He would just sit at his desk on his side of the room and eat. Needless to say, he left quite a mess and the smell was atrocious. He DID only have one arm though (the other was malformed at birth and non-functional), so I did my best to be accommodating, but since he never left the room except to get more food, I only ever really had to help him with grocery bags. I tried to clean up after him at first but gave up stuck to my own side of the room.
He was openly gay, which I didn’t have a problem with. I did find it a bit disconcerting that he would watch porn while I was in the room (he would only use headphones if I asked). But I did start getting creeped out when I would catch him just staring at me. Our desks were at an angle because of the strange shape of the room so that if I looked out of the corner of my eye I could see him. It was obvious because he would turn his entire body to face me, not just his head. Every time I noticed him doing that, I’d turn around and ask, “what’s up?” to receive a curt “nothin’”. There’d be awkward silence for a few seconds then I’d turn back to my laptop. But out of the corner of my eye I could still see him staring., burning holes into the back of my head.
I felt bad for the kid and finally coaxed him out to have lunch with me at this awesome Asian restaurant I found on Market street. I’m not sure if that was a good idea, because I think he started crushing on me afterwards. I wasn’t sure how to deal with that, so I never tried to get him out of the room again. I did scold him for not going to class all the time, but to no avail.
Then one day he comes home and I smell the distinct, nose-wrinkling aroma of human fucking shit. And it wasn’t just one of those whiffs you catch when you walk through a shitty (heh) part of town. It was full-blown unprotected un-lubed anal nose rape. His explanation was — and I quote — “I was at the record store and I really had to go. They didn’t have a bathroom, so I just went in my pants.” As I’m trying to recover from speechlessness, he ducks into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, I didn’t hear the shower or — sweet zombie jesus — even the faucet run at ALL. When he comes out, the only evidence I could see of an even attempt to clean himself was the empty toilet paper dispenser and the pile of of crumpled sheets in the trash can. He had essentially just wiped himself off with the entire roll. And he was wearing the same pants.
When I tried to confront him about this, he simply replied, “well, I took off my boxers, but my pants are still pretty okay.” He then takes his soiled ass-boxers and puts them inside the laundry hamper.
I don’t know about you guys, but if I ever shit myself to the extent this boy did, I would throw away everything I wore that day.
So for whatever reason, he goes out again, and I spend the next hour cleaning the bathroom (the toilet and the seat were pockmarked with shit yogurt and skidmarks) and trying to rid the room of the ungodly stench. Opening the windows seemed to do little to help. If you purchased stock in air fresheners in September 2006, you are a smarter man than I. The room was so thick with Febreze that I probably contaminated my sperm.
And I could still smell it.
So the hour passes and just as I feel like it’s almost gone, he comes home and the air replenishes itself with poop aroma. I didn’t say anything, out of the fear — I thought that if I opened my mouth, a stray shit asteroid would orbit into my throat. He sits down at his desk and browses the web for about ten minutes — and then picks up the phone and calls his mother. I know this because the two phrases that I caught as I absentmindedly listened in on his side of the conversation will forever be burned into my mind:
“Hey, mom? It happened again.“
“I’m not throwing them out. They’re good shorts.”
He had gone back to the same record store where he was gifted a second bout of surprise diarrhea. And this time he hadn’t even bothered going to the bathroom first upon arriving home. It was like he had given up, as if he was succumbing to the fate of everlasting incontinence, and that any effort to stem the chunky brown flow would be futile.
The day after the shitstorm (heh), our toilet backed up and flooded murky water about a half-inch deep in our bathroom. I panicked and called to my roommate, asking him for help. He simply looked up and replied,
“I dunno, that’s your problem, not mine.”
That’s pretty much when I snapped I like to think I was fairly patient with him despite how uncomfortable I was living there, but his retort just screamed rudeness and indifference towards me, and my patience wore out. I eventually solved the water crisis in the bathroom — an RA gave me a vacuum cleaner and told me to vacuum up the water (I didn’t do this. It sounded fucking stupid. I ended up finding a mop and bucket in the laundry room).
I then took my roommate’s towel and dipped it into the filthy concoction of toilet and mopwater — did the same with his toothbrush. I also mixed my shit potion into his soap and shampoo bottles.
I was grinning for a full minute at my horrendous vengeance before I suddenly remembered – he has NEVER used his towel, or his toothbrush, or the shower.
I moved to a single the next day.
*insert outrageously loud gag here*
*BLAARGHHG GAGGHGSHAHHHH BUAAGGGHHHH* Is that right?
sounds about right..yeah..
I wish i could “like” your comment. =p
…no words. I have no words.
That is, word for word, exactly what i was going to say.
Huh.
That is most definately one of those people that should never be allowed to leave the basement his mom keeps him in.
A homosexual, fat, one-armed, ugly, pizza-faced, pants-shitting, ignorant 17 year old.
I don’t have a reason to comment on the part how he fantasizes about you, everyone does that.
Anyway, I would’ve requested a change of rooms as soon as I knew about his hygiene and orderly manner, SOME respect would’ve been nice.
Anyway, I’m glad Australia doesn’t have dorms until you attend university, which still only a few of the facilities do have the dorm system in place.
<3
and I thought my classmate was bad.
Oh holy crap on a cracker… (Yes, I do love that). That’s it. I’m not going to university. Or live in a house with anyone else, ever, until I have had a 3 month test course. And I’m never going to eat again. Thanks Enzo…. *Gag*
Ha, no. I hope to God nothing like that ever happens to me…
You have no idea how entertaining this was.
I’ve had my fair share of roommate difficulty, but thank god none of mine had ever shit themselves, that is just f-ing disgusting. That is just terrible and the stench must be burned into your memory
Omg dude props for you for dealing with him for that long, I would’ve gone insane after the first day.
Its stories like these that make me nervous about going to college when I graduate high school. o-0
Well… i’m fat, and 17.
Luckily thats where any similarities end with that roomate of yours. XD
Bad story man… sucks for you.
what ever happened to him?
wow.
i don’t know what else to say… o.o”
Jebus Krust! You deserve an award.
omfg dude thats messed up/hilarious xD lol
You know… I would take my demon roommate over this kid anyday… thats effed up.
Wow, you’re a pretty good writer. You should add a short story section along with the webcomic…
I like how you know when to be funny, and when to be serious. Some authors just try too hard to insert jokes into their narratives.
Cheer up about everything, I mean at least you’re still sane, and apparently a nice person here even though you use drugs and alcohol and smoke. I mean even though I’ve never taken drugs everybody calls me a crackhead these days… It’s sort of this one sane mind against the crazy world that makes this webcomic great =D
XD Superb writting skill you have there
….Next time…stick his food in the poop water 
I would say pour it all over his computer but…that could actually cost you BIG money o3o so let’s stick with his food.
holy shit. (no pun intended. well, maybe a little.)
maaaaajor props to you, dude. you’re like the only person i know of that could put up with that kind of crap. (not intended… man, poop jokes are so easy to slip into casual conversations.)
if that’s what happened when you were there, i don’t even wanna know what he does when he’s alone…. bad thoughts.
You are awesome. I don’t know if anyone tells you that, maybe I’m just one of those people who doesn’t hear/say it very often, but you are awesome.
I have worked with college students living on campus for seventeen years and have heard all kinds of sick and twisted roommate stories. But I have never heard one quite like this. Sweet mother of god.
Wow…. How anyone, let alone his own mother, can put up with that is completely beyond me
Oh fuck dude! Disabled or not NO ONE is that fucking filthy! I would have just kicked his arse in and told him to learn something about hygine!
Love you Enzo! <3
Ummm dude? I’d be afraid to touch my foot, protected by any amount of synthetics or not, to his ass, especially after his little… episode.
Good point. but it’s just a saying!
And my parents say I’m dirty.
Jess Christ the worst I do is leave my clothes everywhere, but I’d wash them every week and I would always take a shower.
The brush my teeth thing though..only with my mouth tastes bad. Otherwise just a bunch of mints should do the trick.
OMFG. And i thought the kid at my school who dropped out of every class hes taken (And is surprising pretty straight edge), doesn’t bathe, brush his teeth, shave or re-dye his hair (Hes a redhead, and rages when you mention the fact. And now he has black hair with red regrowth and red sideburns), only cares about his Xbox and his job at McDonald’s, and prefers hentai/animated porn over ‘normal’ porn (Don’t ask how I know…) was bad…
Now i see that he is simply the tip of the iceberg.
he is just a creepy fanboy then! XD
Ewwww! I can’t live with someone like that.
Oh holy mother of god. I couldn’t stop laughing at this! I laughed SO HARD. At one point I thought I was going to have a blood vessel pop in my head, and I have tears streaming down my face. I’m STILL laughing.
But in all seriousness? Fuckin EW. I mean really? I thought this kid named Robbie was bad (horrendously fat, never bathes, pockmarks all over his face, rolls around on lab tables [after a dissection], and once tried to attack my friend for a piece of cheesecake) But this. This just takes the cake. I mean WHO ABOVE THE POTTY TRAINING AGE SHITS THEMSELVES?! And if anyone still does, WHO THE HELL DOES IT TWICE IN ONE DAY?! And he didn’t change his clothes?!! *gag*
Man sorry you had to put up with that. That and the creepy rapist way he stared at you…
Sounds hot man.
this is one reason why im glad my college is only about a 20 minute bus ride away from my families apartment lol … dont have to deal with bad roommates … sucks missing out on good ones though lol … at least i dont have to pay room and board lol … but yeah damn that dude was rank nasty … i mean how does he function in society … he should at least handle the higene part of that … showering and changing his shit clothes would have probably improved ur relationship with him tenfold … hes probably dead in a ditch somewhere …. or buried in his moms basement lol …
Just reading this made me die a little inside. I couldn’t ever imagine experiencing it. Holy fucking shit, I really cannot believe people like that are allowed in public. Just…oh, my god. I am so sorry, Enzo. You must really be scarred for life.
This is an obvious attempt to convince the rest of us to appreciate our non-your-ex-roommate roommates a little more.
Well, it worked!
Sweet story
damn, if it was me, he woud be knie deep in shit 
He probably still is.
Oh man, that is really disturbing. Love how you didn’t use his name (so that you can’t get sued? =p xD). And your animated life would make you an awesome story writer (You could even give a go at like… Formal writing =o ) .
That’s a blend of some good shit (heh) man. Keep it up. (Y) =D
That is freaking nasty shit right there.
You are a LEGEND if you got through that alive. I would’ve threw up and left that same day. Seriously, WHO CARES IF THEY’RE GOOD PANTS, IF YOU CRAPPED ALL OVER THEM THEY’RE NO LONGER GOOD. His mother must be very proud of him, did she fail to potty train him like all sane mothers? Disabled, fat, gay, porn-addicted or not, that’s no excuse to fail to be hygienic.
I hope nobody ever experiences what you had to.
Thats just plain nasty. Kudos to you on lasting that long. This sort of thing makes me glad I’ve only lived with close friends. At least you know what you’re in for
i would feel sorry for him something must be missing in his life (other then his arm.. poor guy)
I might sound like a bitch but if I was stuck with someone like that I would have put them in their place. It wasn’t your job or your responsibility to take care of him. He shouldn’t have left his house if he can’t take care of his self.
Did you ever check to see you were being punk’d?
I literally would have murdered him within a month.
You are either extremely kind or as patient as a monk.
I would have used a gun, btw, so I would not have to actually touch/be remotely near him.
(Ugh, I thought he smelled bad while he was ALIVE…)
boy wouldn’t it suck if he somehow stumbled upon this and read it…
Would you be willing to admit you were a serial pants-shitter? Probably not, eh?
I WOULD! Haha, no
no i wouldn’t even thought it’s not true. lolz
two words:
SHIT MAN…
dude, i feel sorry for you and all that, but i gotta say, that story made my day. very well told and pretty hilarious to boot!
*gag* wow… just reading this brought the smell of shit into my nostrils’… gross!!! >_< My ex-roomie would fart and I Swear it sounded wet but she'd just walk away real fast and comeback… *chills* Bad memories… Yuck!
You should TOTALLY put this on the FML website. And the story itself……sick beyond human comprehension.
He belongs at the lowest chain of the gorilla pecking order.
I lived with worse. Didn’t shit himself, but then I probably couldn’t smell it through the foulness of everything else.
Gay -Check
Twat-Check
Stank-Check
Lack of interpersonal skills-Check
Annoying-check
Luckily in Uni we lived in halls were everyone had their own room.
I snapped after 5 or 6 months of patience, trying to help, talk to, convince and hint. Didn’t work, I dropped the subtly as it went on to the point where he walked into the kitchen/common room and I just said to his face “You fucking stink. Go take a shower you smelly bastard”. That was before I snapped.
My rant would last longer than the author’s and end much worse.
My revenge involved seeds, theft, vandalism, assault, fireworks, toothbrush, super glue, lock outs, arson and public humiliation. Oh, and 1/3 of a squirrel which acted as an air freshener rather than getting him to notice a horrendous smell
snob- check
bastard- check
funny- check
forgiven?- check
the check thing is fun! – check
damn.. this is wayyyyy beyong gross… can’t believe u have the patience though .?? and
great… now i’m freaked out about who my future roommate may be…. ARGGGHH
HHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg, dats soooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow……..that’s just unbelievably horrifying. Surviving from such heinous torment without losing your sanity is truly praiseworthy.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAH
HE WAS LITERALLY SHITTY
ohgawd am I clever.
that is so disgusting dude. There must be a BIG PROBLEM about him. He’s like a Hobo. Anyway do u know anything else about the phrase u heared him saying about “it happened again” its so controversial. Parang u phrase na un ay sinasabi na may problema sa or sakit or ewn.
lol vacuuming water
THAT STORY WAS FUCKING AWESOME. AND I’M SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU SIR. THAT’S JUST SO FUCKING FAIL. SORRY.
OMG… I am speechless about this. Stench of room mates is probably the worst thing ever. We can only hope our room mates are generally cool people.
People who stink get my openly disgusted look and disgusted attitude. It’s almost a crime for how badly I treat stench dusters. Uhhh!!! Lmao that made me chuckle at the end. The realization to the ‘revenge’ is like a face palm moment of legend.
one word. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
It doesn’t even sound real Oo How does stuff like that happen?! Seriously impressed by how long you managed to stay calm and deal with it before you snapped… and surprised a guy like that ended up in college in the first place Oo
Sweet baby jesus. Thank lord my roommate has OCD when it comes to cleanliness o.o
i was gagging so much while reading this i would have thrown that fat fuck out ages ago! he watched gay porn with no head phones while you were there (not homophobic am infact bi)? you have scared me for life my freind.. mentaly and emotionally… maybe thats why you have such an open hate of fat people?
oh. . .my. . .goddess. . .i feel sooo sorry for that guy (not the shit covered one, the one who had to live with him)
i would not put up with that for my life. . .
It was Enzo’s roommate…
O wow all I Have to say this story made my dai 2dai
(;
wow i think a part of my soul actually died and is never coming back after reading that,, whyy to such people live !?!
holy fucktard
That is sooooooooooooooo fucking disgusting. I wouldn’t have cleaned shit! I’d have left the same time i saw that fucked up toilet. No, probably the first week…I’m not that nice…i might be frank…
I’d be done at the whole openly gay rapist face with no headphones. I’m all for gay rights, but a rape face is a rape face.
Did you post this on College Humor? I could swear I read it under their Roommate Confessions thing.
All I can say is “D=”
Fuck me you should upload some more of this
I keep thinking of “Cheer Up Emo Kid” by Patent Pending whenever I come to this this site
It’s awesome, keep up the awesome work!
that is the most disgusting, funny and horrifying story i have ever heard. Oh-Em-Gee. haha
L.O.L. Sorry for your luck, Enzo. You were nice to have put up with him for so damn long! I would’ve done something to take care of him from day 1. .___.
oh mi im sorry im just spazzing with giggels right now thats just to screwed to even ugh i dont even know what to say to this i meen ugh XD poor sweetie i feel so bad for him i meen if i was there idd grab him and throw him in the tub put on a gas mask and scrub scrub scrub ~giggels~ an dthen take him to a pshyciatrist XD
Wow, just wow…there are no words…
Wow.
Saying “Holy shit” at this point would be inappropriate.
The fact that you lasted six months is a feat in itself.
I would just like to say tha- *BLEEEAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!* *cough* *cough* *sputter* Actually I think that sums it up pretty well.
yes, it sums up very well. *also BLEEEAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!s*that sums up everything to thi whole journal.
criminy, i’m glad my roommate’s nothing like that. they’re still the devil incarnate, but i’ll take that over…whatever creature you had for a roommate
Ew.
He sounds like a real keeper. -_-”
oh…oh god….i feel bad for you…..but you kept with him for THAT LONG….youre like……unbeatable man…i wouldve moved to a different dorm if thats so possible cause im not in college yet
Holy fuckballs. You had it bad bro.
I know a guy with 1 leg and 1 arm and he is one of the cleanest, nicest guy you’ll ever meet. he does his own shopping, he takes the bus, he doesn’t even think he has a god damn disability. WTF was wrong with your roommate?
WOW I’m so fucking happy I have a normal or what you sould call a “cool” roomie xD
Anyway, what a motherfucking big story, it kinda killed me xD so funny